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| Laura C. Strom, LMFT |
We are a couple. We've always had a monogamous relationship. We have children (MFTIs), and have been married for 49 years, own a house and other assets, and though from time to time we argue, I've always been able to trust you and know you had my back.
In May you handed me a stack of papers to sign, and told me they were some minor legal documents. Because I trust you, I signed most of them, and finally I got down to the bottom of the stack and started reading one of them. You had already headed out the door to take the documents to the bank. I didn't like what I was reading, but you weren't there to reassure me or answer my questions. You aren't answering your cell phone when I call you. I emailed you and sent texts, but you didn't respond.
Finally you send, ED (our household manager), over to tell me that what I am reading is true - you have just taken my name off all our assets. Those weren't minor legal documents like you said! They were major. And ED just told me that now after 49 years of marriage, because I am old and may not last another 20 years, you have decided to have an open relationship with other people (See May 22, 2013 announcement by Jill Epstein, CAMFT Exec. Dir. and Sandra Wolf, CAMFT Board President).
I'm reeling from this information. I cannot believe what I am hearing. Surely, there's been a mistake! You wouldn't do this to me, would you? I've trusted you for all these years. Sure, we've had our fights, but I always knew you were loyal to me. At least that's what I thought.
Then I find out you're going to bring your other relationships home to our table! In fact, my presence isn't even required at the table we've shared for 49 years (see Note 1). ED tells me to get over it, what's done is done and there's no going back (2).
"This will be better" says ED. "There will be more assets for the household this way. You'll get used to it. You can learn to share your house with your partner's other relationships. In fact, we can expand the house and make it bigger and fancier."
I think about this. How do I feel? I realize I'm still so pissed and hurt that you tricked me into signing away my assets, and decided we'd have an open marriage without even asking me, that I start to protest loudly. I've had enough, and I make an appointment with our family attorney to discuss divorce proceedings. He tells me he told you while I was signing the documents initially, unaware of what I was signing, that your actions were unethical and I would be furious when I found out, but you ignored him, too!
Finally, when you see I am initiating the paperwork to end our marriage (the petition), you respond to me.
"Baby, it's not like that! You'll always be my number one!" you say. "Look, I'll only have five other relationships at our table (3) besides you. And you'll be my priority, just like always. I'll always love you the most. The others don't matter as much to me, it's just a financial arrangement, all part of my big plan. I'll never really love them like I love you. But with their money and assets I can build a much nicer, fancier house that we can all live in together!"
I think about that. We've always entertained friends of all sorts whom I love and respect. Am I being selfish, wanting you all to myself? Maybe I would like an open relationship once I got used to the idea. And how will your other relationships feel when they find out they are only being courted for their money? Can I believe anything you say at this point?
I put my hands on my heart and realize I've got a pain there that just won't quit. I can't believe you tricked me into this nightmare. I hoped initially it was all a big mistake. I hoped that ED was wrong, that you didn't really do this to me knowingly and on purpose.
"Baby, I'm sorry I forgot to tell you about all this - the paperwork you signed, having an open marriage, but what's done is done. We'll just have to move forward from here" you say.
Up until now I was giving you the benefit of the doubt. But now I know you did this on purpose. I realize you've decided our child, MFTI, doesn't necessarily have a seat at our table any more either. You've declared any child can fill that seat, even step children from your other relationships like ASW and Psych Intern. We actually have four children, and only one has ever been allowed to sit at the table (interns are 1/3 of CAMFT's 30K members, therefore if the twelve board seats were proportional, interns should occupy four seats).
So now this couple presents in couples counseling. What are the issues?
One partner has tricked the other into signing away all the assets, has decided to have an open marriage, and that their children are no longer a priority without getting their spouse's agreement on any of it. The other partner feels hurt, betrayed, deceived, grief-stricken, enraged, humiliated, ugly/old, unimportant, and defensive of the children who are being ignored.
The caring counselor can see what is needed is a sincere apology from the offending partner to the family. The counselor insists that in order to restore trust, the offending partner must also agree to make it right by returning the assets taken from the unsuspecting, innocent spouse. Only then can the issue of having an open marriage be discussed. Do both partners want that? Is having a bigger, fancier house a priority? How will the children be treated?
I am hoping that this analogy will help readers understand how I, the membership body, am feeling. I know I don't speak for the entire membership body, but I do speak for 2200 of us. Although I realize we are talking about corporations, lobbying, payroll, finances, long-term goal projections, etc. at the core of CAMFT we are ALL marriage and family therapists (except ED). And as marriage and family therapists we understand that having healthy relationships with open, honest, transparent communication are key to success in any endeavor in life.
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Notes
(1) There was NO requirement for LMFTs on the CAMFT Board with the June 2013 bylaws passage.
(2) See Jill Epstein, CAMFT ED's messages June 2013. The CAMFT website was changed in June 2013 to eliminate the term "marriage and family therapist" throughout, replacing it with "mental health professional").
(3) New bylaws allowed social workers, psychologists, psychiatrists, professional counselors and educational psychologists to sit on the CAMFT Board in addition to LMFTs. Five board seats were restored to exclusive MFT control on 7/11/13 by the CAMFT Board after mounting pressure by the SaveCAMFT movement. In their haste, they neglected the Intern Chair which could be filled by an ASW, Psych Intern, PCCI, or MFTI.
"I know I don't speak for the entire membership body, but I do speak for 2200 of us."
ReplyDelete2201 of us.